Breaking

There was a time when ambition
Surpassed hindrance
When I perceived not obstacles
But hurdles
When I glibly lept without a look
Much to my husband's dismay
And either landed well
Or laughed at not
But always savored the glide

There were never so many dirty diapers
or so many sleepless nights
That vitality could not match demand
Never more meals to make
Than stamina in my arms, or in my heart
There was a time when I saw blue
Through any wool-coated sky

When at first I slammed head-long
Into Fatigue
That could not be cured with rest
Or a cup of coffee
I groaned
Rolled over
Laughed at the blue above me
And waited for it to pass


I lay and waited
And watched the wool wrap away the blue
Then saw my children's faces around me
I bid myself to stand
On clumsy feet
I prodded heavy arms
To cook, to clean, to hug
Because they needed me

I asked advice
But more often
Met misunderstanding
And decided it less painful
To stop asking

I pushed harder
Have to cook
Have to sweep
Have to bathe them
Have to shop
And waited for it to pass

And began to loathe
What I had once loved
Each necessity a test of endurance
There was nothing left
For walks
For the park
For the beach
For laughing
Nothing left
And I began to hide

I reveled in January
because less was expected
Curled into my corner
Clasped the coffee mug
That never energized
And began to believe that white
Was all the expanse above me
Had to offer


Once from where I lay
I heard a girl speak of the beach
As if it weren't exhausting
As if the extra packing
The extra cleaning
The extra carrying
Were no obstacles at all
As if her arms and legs
Obeyed without protest
As if she glibly jumped hurdles
And either landed well
Or laughed at not
But always savored the glide

And where I lay
I wept
But always smiled
Always smiled
Because weeping
Won't wash dishes
Won't cook meals
Won't buy groceries

Then in anger flew at the hurdles
And mostly landed on my back
Not laughing
Then curled back into my corner
For days
Then narrowed my eyes
Flew again
Lay flat again

Curled up again

And stayed