Junior High Girls, You’re Missing Out on a Fantastic Friendship

Listen girls, I understand. I was a junior high girl once too. I know that you’re busy figuring out who you are and who you will become. You want to know which clothes will tell the world the most about your unique personality, which song lyrics ring the most true in your heart, and which other junior high girls are the most like you. You are naturally drawn to other people with similar personalities, similar tastes, similar goals, and similiar convictions. It feels fantastic to be surrounded by people who are like you—the kind that you instantly click with—I understand.

But can I be your older sister here and help you see something you’re missing? You’re missing out on a fantastic friendship with someone you’d least expect: the quiet, somewhat odd girl who sits by herself in the back of the classroom, the back of the lunchroom, or the back row of your church..

Ah, you think you’re on to me now, you think I’m writing this to tell you that she needs you to be her friend, that you need to perform an act of community service and selflessly reach out to her even though it’s painfully hard and you have nothing to gain, but you’re wrong. I’m telling you that you’re missing out on a fantastic friend for YOU.

That girl is my daughter, and I know some things about her that you don’t know. I know that she’s actually only quiet and awkward until she gets to know you, and that the initial few weeks or months that you might have to spend on helping her develop a friendship will be an investment well worth making. I know that she is actually fantastically smart, and you’d never guess it, but she can be quite witty and crack some hilarious jokes when you least expect them. But more important than that: she is kind. She is genuinely, from the heart, kind in a way that is rare among your age group. She is loyal and would never turn her back on you, never trade you for a newer or more popular friend, never speak hurtful words behind your back.

It’s true that there are ways you could help her. You could take her by the hand and patiently lead her into the dizzying world of junior high friendships. You could overlook her sometimes-awkward laugh, or the way she blinks back tears whenever she feels strong emotions, or the small awkward silences that happen when she’s not sure what to say next. You could help her learn what to say next. You could teach her that it’s safe to trust and that you won’t abandon her as a friend when a more popular girl comes along. But I want you to know that she can help you too.

She can almost certainly help you with your math and science homework. She can teach you to draw shockingly beautiful horses, and recommend a long list of good books to read. These things you might have guessed. But did you know that she is the best listener you will ever hope to have in a friend? She will listen and listen with the goal of truly understanding your heart instead of jumping in with her own stories, and she will actually care about who you are, how you are feeling, and what you are going through. She is wise. She thinks deeply behind that quiet face and, if you are patient enough to wait for an answer, she will offer you advice that is mature beyond her years and yours. When you least expect it then, she will crack you up with wit and humor, you never would have guessed that she hid. 

Do you know what an investment is? It’s where you pay an amount first in order to gain access to something that will be worth more in the end. Some friendships are like investments—they don’t come as easily as others, but they offer greater reward down the road. You may have to be willing to do most of the talking at first or think of lots of questions to get her talking. You may have to patiently wait for responses from her as she organizes her thoughts.  Be patient. Keep trying. It’s worth it.

After you have spent a few weeks and months learning to understand each other you will realize that she taught you some of life’s best lessons: that people are not always as they seem, that some of the more rewarding relationships take work, and that a loyal friend is often more valuable than a popular one. You will begin to see the other quiet or awkward or disabled people in your life in a new light too—as unique, valuable, enriching, human beings that are worth the effort to welcome into your life—and that is a lesson you will benefit from for as long as you live. You can never repay her for that.

Trust me on this one. It took some work for me to get to know her too, but you will never regret that you did.

With love to you,

That Quiet Girl’s Mom

Afternoon October Road

I caught you on an afternoon October road
Past large white houses and large white barns
Set in sunset fields of drying heirloom corn
And autumn green pastures with short-cropped grass
Where proud draft teams rest from harvest
Past mum-lined porches and bonnet-dressed clothes lines
By gravel driveways where wooden wheels clatter
Behind lean brown horses minding their reigns

Soft cattails and red sumac swished in the ditches as I passed
Reminding me to watch the road, and not the oaks
Not the fresh tinted shades in the afternoon glow
Not the rising, beating arrow of geese
Sweeping my soul up into flight
Straight back to the garden gate
Back to the guarded gate

I drove grazing, grasping for the sweetness here
Spilling over, lingering behind you
The sent of your presence after you left
While the hero poets sang to me
To let me know they'd caught it too
They and I, we wait for you

I wanted to bring it home with me
Hoarding manna sun on autumn oaks
Home with chores, with stress, with vacancy
Home with biting, careless words
So I held my tongue and let it hurt

I didn't mind at all today
To drive again the same October road
To find the sun still lit the cattails
Still swishing reddened Sumac lining fields
And remember we're both on the wrong side here
Both pounding on the back side of the the gate
Both digging for the well, scraping bread from sand
And sometimes it doesn't hurt to let it hurt

I caught you on an afternoon October road
With the mum-lined porches and the poets
The scent of your presence, enough for today
Trickling rock, sandy wafer, a sigh in the ache
Just please come back soon and open the gate

Little Brothers, by Naomi Eby

Only I can tell you the impossibleness
When I yell at them to come pick up their mess
And they give me the hugest of grins
They're little and cute and they make me laugh
But sometimes I forget about that
When they wake me with their din

Those terrible two, what mischief they make
That thing you had perfect, it's sure to "break"
Sometimes I really do wish I had none
But then the smaller one, close to five
Asks, "Will you play?" and it's sure to revive
The spirit of adventure of being young

And yes, they annoy me and get into my stuff
And sometimes it seems they can't grow fast enough
But soon they'll be gone, turned into young men
Then I might sleep in, and they'll not be in my way
But then I will yearn for the days when we'd play
The simple games we used to, then

by Naomi Eby, age 12

Before You Get a Parakeet, by Hannah Eby

Here are a couple tips to having a perfect parakeet. Please read through before you consider getting one.

Food

- You'll need one small pack of normal seed mix and 200 large packs of millet sprays (still, you'll be out of millet before you're out of normal seed mix).
- Fruits, veggies, and cheeses, which will just sit and rot because your parakeet will freak out and act like the food is going to murder it. (Forget healthy foods!)
- Your parakeet will probably end up on a diet of basically millet and your own Chex cereal (very unhealthy for your parakeet).

Safety

- Nail pillows across every single window in the house to avoid your bird trying to go through them (this may result in a fractured skull or broken bones).
- Avoid having anything hot (ovens, light bulbs, etc.) or anything sharp (scissors, knives, etc.) in the house.
- Uninstall any ceiling fans or window air conditioners.

Cleaning

- Take out the cage tray every two minutes to avoid a feather/seed-shell/dropping mess.
- Also manage changing the bird's water every two minutes as well.
- Spread newspaper or any other poop-proof material over everything in the house.
- Change the poop-proof cover three times a day.
- Wear a protective suit (an astronaut suit or a diving suit are some suggestions) whenever holding or handling your bird in any way to avoid being covered in poop and feathers.


Now that you have seen what you need to do to have a perfect bird, make sure you still want one. It's a BIG responsibility. Maybe your bird will just have to live with a not-perfect home.


By Hannah Eby, parakeet owner, age 10

Simple Joys, A Poem by Naomi

Morning peace, evening cuddles
Watching the boys splash through puddles
Sitting with sisters near midnight
Reading together by flashlight
Watching the sunrise at seven a.m.
Playing with brothers and joking with them
Reading with the cat when no one's awake
Seeing the geese out by the lake
Being in nature, full of quiet and peace
Jumping in piles of autumn leaves
When the gerbils do things that make you laugh
Such as rolling so comically in their dust bath
Even hearing Avalynn as she sings
Simple joys are found in so many things

Summer's End, A Poem by Naomi

It is now the end of August
And summer's coming to an end
I really like the breeze
But don't look forward to the leaves
It tumbling to the ground will send
Because of what that will mean
That winter's drawing close
With many layers and dull gray skies
With freezing snowstorms that arise
And a cold wind that always blows
It also means that school's begun
And soon will come the frost
But fall's still fun
And when spring comes
Anew will be the things we lost

by Naomi Eby, age 12

Up and Running

For years I lived in fifth gear, red-lined my RPMs, and never stopped for maintenance. I was good at multitasking, enjoyed activity, and flew like Super-Mom with my train of littles behind me. I kept my sense of humor and laughed about the stress and sleeplessness in my blog. I had it together.

I noticed a small slow-down with my pregnancy with Toby, and noticed that I couldn't recover even with a good night's rest after he was weened and sleeping through the night. But I managed.

My pregnancy with Elijah was much worse, and about six months after he was born my body felt like both engines were stalling at 30,000 feet. I fought pretty valiantly to keep everyone flying for another six months. I was always, always exhausted. Everything felt heavy. My brain felt foggy. I had to lean on the shopping cart just to push it through the store, and then I stood in the aisles unable to remember what I had come to buy. My reaction times felt slow. I felt unsafe driving. I could barely make it up a flight of stairs. And then one day I tried to spread peanut butter on bread and felt like I couldn't even lift the knife. I tried again and my arm said "no." And that was when I realized that we had crashed.

We went to doctors and doctors, but most test results looked great. The tests that were off were odd and inexplicable. Diet changes didn't help. Sleep didn't help. I hated feeling like I couldn't manage on my own, but finally caved and accepted other people's offers to help me on a regular basis. Things got worse that year until I couldn't hold my head up in the car and had to rest it on a neck pillow. I couldn't hold my arms up on the steering wheel for more than a few minutes and had to alternate resting one arm and keeping the other at 6:00 while I drove. It got to where I couldn't hold my foot steady on the gas pedal for long and had to use cruise control in ridiculous places it was never designed for. I gained over 20 pounds from both inactivity and from eating in an effort to find energy somewhere. I felt like the energy mortgage company had come to collect on 10 years of missed payments, and had decided to foreclose on my body.

Finally, a neuromuscular specialist in Indianapolis took me seriously and ran every test imaginable. They all came back normal, except one. My coenzyme Q10 levels were very low. CoQ10 is needed for energy production in every cell of the body. I have no idea why my levels were so low, my dietary intake of it was normal and the body is supposed to be able to manufacture it anyway, but this was something to go on. After 6 weeks on a high-quality CoQ10 supplement I noticed the brain fog lifting. After 3 months, my arms and legs felt lighter. I was functional again, but nowhere near healthy.

That was three years ago. Over the last three years my schedule has gradually eased as my children have grown. I have decided to prioritize rest. I have felt gradually better, but I haven't really felt healthy yet. I tried multiple times to lose the weight I'd gained with no success. In fact, I continued to slowly gain, topping out at over 30 pounds heavier than I'd been since I lost the baby weight after Elijah.

At the beginning of this summer I decided I was finally at a place in life where I could take care of myself again. I had no babies or toddlers anymore. We weren't moving houses or in the midst of any other major life upheaval. I decided this was my chance to help myself.

I used an online calorie counter to figure out how much I could eat and still lose weight, and then I held myself to that, which means I've felt hungry most of the summer. I said "no" to stress this summer because I've learned that I can't be stressed and energetic at the same time. I let myself sleep without guilt. I prioritized activities that made me feel mentally healthy, like writing again. I prioritized getting my kids out to the pool and made sure I actually swam. I got my kids out for walks and bike rides. Matt and I started walking a couple miles almost every evening. And one evening we started jogging.

Jogging. Ugh. Those first two blocks I jogged were painful. And that was all I made it: two blocks. We didn't jog every night, but we kept trying off and on. A little here, a little there. And we walked a little faster.

This summer, since June 1st, I've lost 16 pounds. Last week I decided I could actually start jogging with Matt more seriously. I didn't even own a decent pair of athletic shorts, so I borrowed some from Naomi. I laced up some almost brand-new running shoes I've had since college, (since college!), and we ran. OK we jogged, but it felt really fast to me. The first night I made it 0.6 miles. The next night 0.8. I was so sore the next day we decided to take two days off from jogging. But last night I actually ran (jogged) an entire mile.

It's been at least 12 years since I've done that. Matt timed it and my time was 10:10. I was a little discouraged when I heard that I nearly died in order to finish a mile in 10 minutes, but then I remembered that my body has birthed and nursed five babies, and gained and lost 30 pounds six times since the last time I ran a mile. And then I remembered how weak I had been three years ago, and I decided that last night's mile was a pretty amazing milestone.

I'd still like to lose another 14 pounds, and I'd like to be able to run that mile without wondering if I was having a heart attack afterwards. But what's amazing is that these things seem like real possibilities again. And that is energizing.

Young mamas out there, take note. Please take care of yourselves. Your body will only run on nothing for so long. Eventually it will give you a foreclosure notice, and it will take years to repay your debt. Even super mamas need their rest.